It is a hard day. I am in a lot of pain due to getting my tonsils taken out. I have seen many things about myself this week. I am really a much bigger sinner than I ever knew. I have such a complacency  in my life toward truth and purpose. I get so caught up in the little things of life that don’t really matter.  This week has been good in the sense that I have been able to step back and really examine my life and see my weaknesses and not try to hide behind the mask of ministry to justify them.  My times with the Lord have been dry, and I have been ever so prayerless. Yes, I pray, but not the deep prayers of a warrior.  I have been going to war with a flower in my hand instead of a sword. I have been coming before the throne of grace and lifting up this war here in Newark in weak whispers that are barely audible, instead of with victoriously confident screams of defiance against the gates of hell the their master.  I have pleaded far too little with the master of the Universe and have tried to be my own master and work things according to my own end instead of his.  I really see that I have a submission issue. My heart is so prone to be self reliant. To ride on cruise control on roads that are straight and require little navigation. Oh God, I want to render myself more fully to you. It is so hard to die. It is so hard for me to let you take over.  Outward conformity is easily mastered, but I cannot ride on the assurance from others that I am submitting to you. Cause when I get severely honest with my heart, there are times when I don’t love you at all and don’t want to hear your Holy Spirit speaking to me.  There times when I gladly disobey in my heart, though outwardly I am obeying in the sight of others. I wonder if that is how Jonah felt.  You sent him down into the depths to teach him to submit, and he did, but did he really.  It seems his heart was still so far from yours and still not surrendered to you.  He preached and you used Him, but he had so little joy in it.  The prophets as well seemed to disdain you sometimes.  They spoke your words, but they themselves were sinners who had such a hard time believing it themselves.  Elijah is a good example.  He had just seen your fire and justice yet ran from Jezebel in fear, and completely stopped trusting you. I guess I find comfort in knowing that I am not alone. That even Jesus, the God-man, questioned and wrestled with your direction.  I find that fascinating that he asked to not suffer, though he knew he must.  What are you trying to teach me from that? That it is Ok to ask you questions. That it is ok to feel afraid and that even you yourself, when you were here, struggled with submitting.  Could it be that You did struggle?  Was it a struggle for you Jesus to fast for 40 days, and to go through your whole life without sinning?  I know it must have been. Everyday must have been hell.  The flesh and law of this world cutting into your spirit every second. The evil one whispering lies into your ear to try and get you your heart to be selfish.  Hebrews says you were tempted in every way that we were.

I guess it brings me great hope to know that you did it. That you submitted to the Father completely and kept the whole law on every level. That brings me hope and also reminds me that I have to remember that my righteousness is in you, and can never be in how well I submit to the father. Jesus, please remind me of that truth today. Please remind me that my heart has been captured by your grace and that the Father’s love for me is fully poured out on me through you, just like His wrath for my disobedience has been fully poured out on you for me.

Give me your strength today Lord. Minister to my physical body and give me a heart of prayer like my Saviors.