Exchanging My Agenda, for His….
I should have known this would happen.
Every time I have my life strategically planned out, the Lord changes things drastically (always for the better, I might add)
It happened when I was suppose to go to East Asia to labor for Him, and He rerouted us to Kazakstan.
And as a result Nina is now my sister in Christ, dear friend, and fellow laborer for the Kingdom.
It happened when I was planning on being a single missionary my whole life.
Then I met Danny, my life’s greatest love and partnership in the Lord.
It happened when I swore I’d never live in the suburbs again, but God brought us to Orlando.
And we are learning here and being prepared in incredible ways for the future work God has for us.
And now, it is happening with the education of our children.
I’ve wanted to homeschool since before Daniel Josiah was even conceived. I fell in love with the idea of it in college. I’ve read many a books, blogs, and articles about it. I’ve drilled other homeschooling moms with questions. I’ve planned and strategized and scheduled and mapped out educational philosophies. I’ve set my heart upon this path and this has always been “the plan”.
And maybe thats one of the reasons it needs to be relinquished for a season.
We will be putting Daniel Josiah in the public school across from our house soon, a decision that has been a wrestling ground as my agenda comes to a screeching halt.
After seeing his wife being taxed to the utmost caring for the constant needs of small children, educating the oldest, keeping up with meals and housework, AND growing a child within her, Danny has felt strongly that we should put Daniel Josiah in school. We have a precious, almost-3- year- old who screams for attention in many ways, a one and a half year old who’s about to be blindsided by a replacement “baby”, and a newborn about to enter the world who will need feeding, attention and care at (literally) all hours of the day (and night).
I have fought this decision…I’ve asked for “more time” to see if things don’t get better/easier, if I can’t figure out strategies to balance all the needs of this little “flock” I’ve been entrusted. And, then, I’ve sought the Lord, and I’ve asked Him, that if this really be His will, that my heart would be in alignment and that things would maybe get so hard that I have no other option.
Third trimester fatigue has set in full force.
I’ve come face to face with the reality of the physical needs of this season verses my physical limitations. And I don’t really like it.
“But what about all those moms with 10 children that homeschool them all? Why can’t I do that, too?? What’s wrong with me? THEY figured out a way to balance it all.”
But my wise husband, and wise counselors, and THE wise Counselor have brought up some issues.
Am I willing to relinquish control enough to trust God FULLY with my baby-boy-turned-young-lad?
Am I willing to allow God to write a DIFFERENT story for our family…different than what I had planned on for all these years? different than those phenomenal blogging moms-of-ten out there?
Am I willing to bank all my hope on God’s covenantal promises to care for His children’s children…EVEN in the public school system?
Am I truly willing to let the Lord of Host be my son’s Educator? Using various means for differing seasons?
Can the God who navigated Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego, and Daniel through the Babylonian educational system without them denying His Lordship, do the same for my Daniel? for this season?
And finally, and most importantly, is the Holy Spirit working through the man God has placed as leader of our home and family to make a “big picture” decision that takes in to consideration the MANY members of our growing family?
And am I willing to trust and submit to him?
So here, my dreams, my plans, my agenda come to a place of death. But I know, from past experience, that when the seed of my plans and agenda fall to the ground and die, a much more beautiful growth begins to take root.
So, as we move forward with this decision, I will wait in expectation. Expectation for the things the Lord will do as we take this step of obedience. As we trust Him more fully with our kids. As we trust not in a “formula” (aka homeschooling) to produce children with hearts tender towards our Savior and His Lordship, but trust in the Savior Himself to do that work.
His agenda has always been far bigger and more magnificent than the ones I dream up,
I exchange my agenda, for His.