Forgotten and Forsaken, or Favored and Protected
There was a lot of weeping that week. It had been the longest 9 months of my life. The exhaustion had completely overtaken me, and yet the new school schedules and homework and meals and children’s needs drove me on.
Labor seemed like a relief. A hospital stay, a chance to sit still ….finally. We had endured so much as a family to grow this little one in my belly, and I was desperately crying out for the fruition of our hard labors.
There was the false alarm two weeks before due date that sent me in to panic mode to set up an action plan should I go into labor before out of town family came to help. (that action plan was part of God’s plan, for it was to be implemented in an unexpected way).
And there were many more false alarms (NOT broadcasted over Facebook) that each got my hopes up that the end was in sight. My little brood of prayer warriors at home consistently begged the Lord to send me into labor. (DJ: Please Lord, Please let Mommy go into labor so we can meet Judah. Please help her have contractions today. Please help her to go into labor so she can be done being pregnant and not feel so bad.) And day, after long day, there was….nothing.
And my heart began to grow angry and bitter. Reflections on just how difficult the past nine months had been weighed my heart down. Yes, we had “made it” to the end, but it seemed like a cruel joke from God that the end was being dragged out so long, that He was not answering my prayers, and that I was too miserable to even function.
That night when those fake contractions started up again, I tossed and turned in bed until I finally rose to catch up on my Bible Reading Plan.
And there, I found someone who had the boldness to declare the very feelings of my own heart…the ones I felt too ashamed of to express.
“Therefore I will not keep silent; I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit,
I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.
I loathe my very life; therefore I will give free rein to my complaint
and speak out in the bitterness of my soul…”
Job 7:11, 10:1
And I found freedom to present my feelings of being forsaken by the Lord…on all those long evenings when I desperately cried out for strength and energy and perspective and joy in the midst of the struggle….and it seemed like I was just left to blindly stumble on in the darkness and silence. And I laid out my feelings of being forgotten, as I begged for labor to begin, for release of my body from the strain of growing this child and it seemed as if it would never come.
And this God we serve, He is a good Father. And He endures our temper tantrums because He knows what is best, and He holds out to give it, despite our rantings and ravings.
And since those teasing contractions continued, I ended up writing out a prayer in my journal in those wee hours of the morning:
“Aug. 26, 2014 1:37 am
If you see fit to allow me to go into labor tonight and bring Judah into the world, I ask that with his entrance, all the nurses and doctors would experience Your Shekinah glory in the process. May Your angels stand guard in that delivery room and may they fight in the spiritual realm for me and for him. I ask that every nurse, attendant and hospital worker that we come in contact with would meet YOU in the process. May Judah, even from birth, have your word like a fire in his bones (Jeremiah 20:9) and may we, as his parents, share the fiery presence of Your Holy Spirit with everyone we encounter. May 2 Corinthians 2:14 be true of our labor, delivery, and hospital experience: “But thanks be to God, who in Christ always leads us in triumphal procession and through us spreads the fragrance of the knowledge of HIM everywhere. For we are the aroma of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing.”
Little did I know that this was the Spirit helping me in my weakness, my little faith, and He himself was interceding for us, for Judah, in ways I was yet to discover.
Little did I know that we, indeed, would need angels in the spiritual realm fighting for Judah’s very life.
Little did I know that we would, indeed, be lead into triumphal procession, as Judah’s life would be protected, and his mamma’s rock bottom faith would be restored to overwhelming gratitude and trust.
After my measly 3 1/2 hours of sleep, I awoke at 5:30 to face another morning after a false alarm night. I awoke to another day of running around in complete exhaustion. I awoke despairing.
“Danny, this is just a cruel joke from God!”
My amazing friend from Florida who was staying with us for a few days agreed to watch these guys, while I took the rest to school (at least I didn’t have to get EVERYONE dressed and ready and buckled into their car seats by 7:30)
Upon my return I took a quick nap (thank you, Amy!) and awoke just in time to make it to my doctor’s appointment.
At the office I discovered that I had lost three pounds in one week. My uterus was measuring that it hadn’t grown at all. The ultrasound showed a great decrease in amniotic fluid. And it showed that the chord was around the baby’s neck. The neck of a baby who wasn’t moving very much.
“The baby is no longer safe in your womb. You need to go home drink a bunch of water and eat something and lie down and count the kicks. You need to call me within an hour and tell me how many you had and then you need to head straight to the hospital. We’re going to induce you today. ”
Worry did set in. But overwhelming faith flooded in as well. All of a sudden I understood why I hadn’t gone into labor, despite the many false alarms. God was holding Judah in my womb until the doctor could see what was going on. He had been the One holding him in safety until the right time.
If I had gone into labor naturally, I would have waited until the last minute to get to the hospital. I would have held out so that we were just rolling in when it was time to push. Which would have put Judah in grave danger. Because I just might not have made it in time.
Danny was phoned. He left his meeting with his coworkers praying for the delivery. Food was eaten. Kicks were felt. Relief was had. Arrangements for kids were made. Last minute instructions for homework were given. The next day’s ballet uniforms were stuffed in book bags. Frozen meal for dinner was pulled out to be thawed.
We checked in to the hospital, eight million questions were asked and papers were signed.
Pitocin was hooked up and the process began. Since it took a while for the contractions to really get strong, we got work done.
My incredible doctor, who is also a Christian, came and broke my water.
I then went from 2 cm to 10 cm in less than an hour. If I had gone into labor naturally, with labor moving that fast, I probably wouldn’t have made it to the hospital in time. I never would have known that with each contraction Judah’s little heartbeat was getting slower and slower. My trusted doctor wouldn’t have been ready and prepared to skillfully preserve Judah’s life.
But since the heartbeat was monitored, nurses and doctors were ready at post to do whatever it took to intervene in Judah’s life. They were good at not acting alarmed when I, who was focused on pushing, didn’t notice how drastically the heartbeat slowed.
But then I could hear it in her voice. There was an urgency in it, she called for help and asked for the vacuum. Then I realized it. The steady “thump, thump, thump” of the monitor slowed…to nothing.
I’ve never felt more powerless in all my life.
I couldn’t push him out fast enough, and I couldn’t keep his heart beating.
I started calling on Jesus out loud.
“Jesus, preserve Judah! Help him, Lord, help him!”
Danny, AND our doctor joined in the chorus of interceding.
“Bring him to us safely, Lord!”
Between the vacuum and mother’s frantic pushing knowing that her baby’s life depended on it, we were able to get him to the point where the doctor could get the chord out from around his blue head.
But then on the next push, again, his heart slowed to nearly nothing.
“He’s stuck…I think its around his arm…..oh, no, its his neck, the chord his around his neck again.”
The doctor was talking out loud to the nurses, but she worked quickly to unravel him.
Then his blue body emerged. 10:12 pm.
That little blue head started crying his lungs out.
And Mommy started crying too….tears of relief and thankfulness.
They worked on him a while, and then finally handed me a pale white little bundle…but a breathing, heart-beating white little bundle (he was still regaining circulation).
And we sat and relished the “triumphal procession”.
This little bundle represented nine months of physical, emotional and spiritual sacrifice. He represented God bringing life out of all my deaths. He represented triumph despite the struggle, dark nights, and wrestling with sin.
With that little bundle I held triumph. A faith boosted. I held a tangible representation of the Father’s favor. A visible reminder of the Father’s protection. He represented to me God’s perfect sovereignty in all things…especially in the things I don’t understand.
Five hours later, after I had just dozed off after finally being moved to our recovery room, we received a phone call from my brother and sister watching our kids at home.
“I’m so sorry to call you guys, but the first floor is flooding and we can’t make the water stop flowing into the living room.”
And in my dazed state, instead of asking “why?” I told the Lord,
“I trust you. even in this.”
And that child-distribution action plan written up two weeks prior, was put into action as our home became unlivable until repair men and emergency water damage company came in to fix things. So, once again, God showed me his perfect sovereignty in all things….in a false alarm labor, in writing an email to friends to set up places for all of the kids to go, in these friends being ready to take on extra children at whim.
May this faltering faith be steadied by these “Ebenezers”…Markers of God’s perfect plan. His plan for His children. Children who are not forgotten and forsaken, but who are favored and protected.
See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! 1 John 3:1
Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
Surely he will save you
from the fowler’s snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You had me crying as I read this. Praise God for His goodness through it all. Go gently now. Amy PS my Son and his wife are expecting blessing #7 in January.
God has given you the heart of a warrior for Him!! Thanks for taking the time to write from your heart. Love you, Kim!! Praise God for His mercy in giving you another blessing. Pray that Carol, Justin’s wife, will be favored with a child too.
God is so good! So glad that little Judah is well. Praying for you family.
Hey Kimberly, it is Amberly’s mom. I love, love your blog, and no, I don’t stalk you!!! What a true inspiration of God you are. If, I am ever in town long enough, I would love for you to meet my SS teacher, a true Saint of God , Betty Cain. You two saints would hit it off!!! Now, what can I do for you and the family? Food, fresh fruits, Fresh Veggies, paper products or just that plain ole CASH! Please let me know, we are only here for two more weeks and then we go,to Florida to Hide Out! BTW! The Kerkle told Am & bray the next time they wanted to adopt , to choose Michigan!!! Would not trade that experience for a billion dollars. Fell in love with that J.Bray the first time my eyes met him!! AMBERLY has probably told you I have this true love for clean newborns, so If I need to wash Judah, just call!!! Love clean babies ! Congratulations on that sweet baby , Judah, the fourth son of Jacob!
Sent from my iPad