We have all been there.

Stuck in a rut.

Asking, “Why am I like this?!?”

“Why do I keep doing this?”

This summer I was asking these questions and feeling powerless to get out of the rut. 

And I have found that we can rack our brains, and read our books and attend our counseling, and dig and dig and try to figure it all out.

OR

The Holy Spirit can cut in to the exact issues needing removal.

Not that He doesn’t use other people, and books, and even counseling to show us.

But when HE speaks. It is powerful. And true. And cuts to the deepest places of our heart. The places we didn’t even know were there.

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It was the day after this encounter, engaging in the mundane of doing the laundry..and He spoke.

He told me.

All of a sudden my eyes could see the source of so much of my anxiety, stress, pushing myself, my husband, my children to always do and be more, more, more. Where was this pressure coming from and condemnations stemming from that I was never doing enough at any given moment of my day?

Fear.

The Light shone on it, and the Helper pinpointed it.

It was the very fear that God had told me to push back with the power of His Word.

“I have not given you a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”  2 Timothy 1:7

And the fear stemmed from that inner vow made way back in the tumultuous teen  years after the loss of my mother. And out of the wreckage of grief and depression and the Lord lifting me out of it, I made a joyful declaration.

No matter what, I will be used for God’s kingdom.  I will do whatever it takes to be effective for the God who has lifted me out of depression and despair. 

~~~~~

Gospel ministries in high school. Missions and evangelism throughout college. Marriage. Children. Inner city ministry. Seminary. More children. Neighborhood evangelism. International student hospitality.More children. Church planting.

All was barreling along at the speed I so desired to fulfill this inner vow.  This drive to earn a place in God’s family. The urge to gain a worthiness. An effort to prove my thankfulness.

I will be effective for God’s Kingdom.

But what happens when one’s pace is slowed by the mundane needs of small children and all of your mental, physical, emotional energy is spent on keeping just one family unit in tact? What happens when your dreams of reaching the world for Christ are clouded by the need to do the dishes again. and the disciplines. again. and the laundry. again. and the carpool line. again. What happens when you feel like you aren’t being effective, you aren’t fulfilling your vow?

Panic sets in. Fear‘s tentacles reach farther in and around, choking all possible sources of joy, because none of it is enough. The husband isn’t ministering enough. The children aren’t behaving enough (to get out of my way, so I can win some people to Jesus, for pete’s sake!) The small tasks I do are not enough.

But Jesus’ effectiveness for the Kingdom of God is enough.

~~~~~

So there, hidden away in a basement laundry room, tending to the obscure, the Counselor came and counseled me, whispered into this ear, ” Jesus is enough.”  Jesus’ labors are enough. His obedience is enough. His sacrifice is enough. His intercessions are enough.

And the only thing He wants me to do is repent of not truly believing and receiving that HE is ENOUGH.

What wonderful freedom floods the soul when the Holy Spirit places the precious seed of faith to believe this…to truly believe it, replacing whatever one’s inner heart has clung to for worth and acceptance.

What freedom there is to read God’s Word, and listen to His voice and to joyfully obey, not because there is a standard to be attained, but an intimate relationship to be maintained.

This newfound Gospel, good news, can be so close, yet so far.  But when it is rooted within, and a King’s daughter starts the dance of love listening instead of fear-induced pressuring, then God’s Kingdom truly starts coming.

God’s Kingdom comes not because of her resolve, but rather because of her relenting.

God’s Presence visits, not because of her performance but because of her permitting.

God’s Kingdom begins to be put on display not through her endeavors but because of His enduring grace flooding a soul that has finally stopped clinging to its self-made salvation, and opens  itself to receive an extravagant gift.

 

Heavenly Father, 

Thank you that you sent your Son to be enough. My self-reliant heart cannot muster up the faith to truly believe this, so I ask and invite you to send the Helper, the Counselor, to come and root out anything that hinders this Gospel seed from truly taking root in my being. Give me the gift of faith. Forgive me for not truly believing that your Spirit is the Person you say He is, ready to counsel, and help and strengthen and guide, just like you promised. Give me more of Him.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.